Redefining my 'career'

For most of my career before my illness I was a high achieving person. 

Since the illness, this aspect has been steadily declining. 

While initially I justified it due to the absence. 

The bigger fact is, things have just moved on...

The hard reality that, nobody is indispensable. 

No, in the corporate world, people don't care if my recent achievements are that I have ensured my blood pressure is under control, that I have managed to loose weight despite being on a daily dose of steroids, that the reason I work a bit more from home is so I can avoid catching an infection in the flu season...

All this, so I can be available, catch up on lost time and once again be seen/considered a valued employee.  

No, the corporate world has no clue what life changing experiences does to a person. They just expect the same 'templatized' behaviors, responses, deliverables...

I also happen to be in a culture where emotions and personal situations have no place in the workspace. 

Co-incidentally, a very senior person in the organization also had such an experience recently and was quite open about it. Later, on seeing a little less 'aggressive' version of the same person, the rumor mongering began... 

While on one hand it felt comforting to me that its not just me who is being received with a question mark by some colleagues. But on the other hand I feel disappointed to realize that the corporate world is a place only for the healthy, go getters who can fight their way, grab opportunities and run with them - that's what is celebrated and termed as the 'success.' 

Perhaps people like me have learnt (the hard way) that there is a lot more to life than this. 

Functioning on a daily basis in an environment that is always pushing you to compete, to yell and scream and market yourself, to be 'visible' does prove to be a challenge when none of these things seem meaningful anymore...when life seems much too precious to be wasting my energy on these things...

Yet, one needs to. I need to. 

People ask me, "if your perspective has changed, why do you care about these things?" 

I care because I am as passionate about what I do as a professional, I'm as curious as I was about the world. Perhaps I am even more determined to make some meaningful contributions but I need some time to re-focus. Some empathy - NOT SYMPATHY and some support. 

Unfortunately the system and perpetual deadlines don't offer this space. The broken system of performance reviews of the corporate world will soon mark me a "non-performer" and it would have nothing to do with my competencies. But nobody will ever know that or bother to find out.  

Finding a place for myself at work is the latest challenge I have.

Rising above my illness and problems

Its interesting to notice, as a person with a chronic illness and perhaps some challenging life situations, everyone around me seem to now associate nothing else but this aspect to me.

Nobody seem to want to know how my job is coming along, how are other aspects of my life panning out.

I greatly appreciate the concern everyone has by asking how I am doing (health wise). I understand the dilemma they face - if they don't ask me about my health they might think they are being insensitive...
However, my illness and difficult situations in life is not my identity.

I try every day not to let it become my identity.
I try very hard to not seek and live on the sympathies of everyone, to continue to keep my independence as long as I can.